Return to Tadpole's Home Page.
This is an excerpt of an entry in my journal. It isn't an entirely positive viewpoint, but life is not an entirely postive thing. This was written on 7/14/97 after a painful revelation. BTW, if anyone wishes to know what came immediately before this excerpt, what caused this particular view, mail me and maybe I will tell you.
I might as well rip my hear out of my chest, take a bite out of it, and enjoy its bitterness for all the good my emotions do me. I'm sick of constantly having to deal with the pain, but sometimes(most of the time)it seems like that is all there is. I'm supposed to "see the world through rose-colored glasses." Maybe that rose is dying. Maybe it is already dead.
God(or Karma or the ineffeble, infinite Universe)damned me with servitude. As a Virgo, my motto is "I serve." I give, but do not receive, do not ask to receive. Others may(and some already do)say that this makes me a beautiful person. They say without knowing...without knowing the inside. They do not see the black pit that my heart becomes. They do not see the frustration, the selfish desires, the evil ways that I try to control on the inside. They do not see the grief, the anguish, the loneliness, the DREAM. If they did, they would not think of me as beautiful. They do not see because I do not show.
I am but a boy; an immature, adolescent fool with impossible dreams. I've lost my way. My future, once relatively clear, is now shrouded in myst. I know what I want, but can't have. I know what I don't want, but am forced to have. I know some things in between. I don't know what to do. Do I try to do the impossible and inevitably fail? Or do I continue with what I don't want and succeed? Do I concede that the universe will defeat me in the end and go with it? Or do I spit in it's face and defy it by trying to do what I want? And what about the people I pass, travel with, hate, and love along the way? I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt anyone. Can I still try follow my dreams regardless of them? Or should I concede to their dreams and assist them in any way possible, ignoring my own? Is it part of my dreams to assist them? I don't know. I've been told to follow my heart, but what if my heart doesn't know where it wants to go?
I continue to dream...
Return to the Speaking Ring.